Month: July 2009

Not that my 20’s were all that easy, but 30?! Where’s the E-break?

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Inevitably approaching, with break-neck velocity, in just a couple months, is (deep breath)…
My big Three-Oh. My. GOSH.Howdidthirtygetheresofast???

I recognize that I am as helpless in preventing this impending next decade as I am in rebuking the soon-to-show sun damage that I no doubt incurred back when baby oil tanning was an acceptable practice.

I remember thinking “30” must be somewhere near the middle of life and by the time it hits, you’re more or less done.

I REMEMBER my parents turning 30.

I remember the show 30-Something. (Though, it was on after my bedtime.)

I’m pretty sure I also remember thinking 30-something was a boring show about OLD people. OOOOOLD PEEEOPLE.

OLD? 30? WHAT?!
(I just had a heart palpitation.)

Thirty. I don’t like to say it. I don’t like the way it feels in my mouth. And it’s sounds as shameful and passé as googIing its Roman numeral expression.

In the shadow of my almost-30 panic, while listening to Counting Crows and drinking wine (I know, it’s a maudlin combination), I have created a bucket-list of sorts. Here it is:

35 (or so) things to do before I turn 30.

2nd draft.

(Because the first draft had me pulling out of my 2 car garage in a hybrid SUV, blowing a kiss to my husband while he mowed our perfect lawn as I took the kids to ballet and soccer. And really, 60+ days isn’t really enough time to get all of that done.)

And here’s the WIIFM part: If you can help me, in any way, to get a little check mark by any of the following line items, you’re off the hook for a b-day present. (Unless you’re my mom, brother, or boyfriend. Sorry guys.)

Here they are, in no particular order…

1. Memorize all 50 states AND their capitols. (Back off. I went to a bad elementary school.)
2. Learn to surf.
3. Start my own company.
4. Ride in a hot air balloon.
5. Start a 401K. (I know you financially savvy peeps just choked a bit. I just, kinda, put it off.)
6. Go to a concert at the Greek Theater.
7. Get health insurance.
8. Learn a complete song on guitar and play it for an actual person.
9. Get some kind of certification… in anything.
10. Change my own oil. (And it needs to happen, ASAP)
11. See the Grand Canyon.
12. Sky Dive. (I know, cliché)
13. Bungee Jump. (Ditto on the cliché)
14. Read at least 2 books I was supposed to read in high school…. Buuut didn’t.
15. Throw a satisfying vegan dinner party for non-vegan friends.
16. Crash a party. (take pictures)
17. Go to a movie alone. (Without broadcasting to every person I see that I do in fact have friends, and that I am alone by my own choosing.)
18. Set up my own web page. (Already own RobynHannah.com, thanks to RK! Just need to build it out…. A little Webmaster tutorial?)
19. Learn how to use my big-girl camera. (Anyone speak Nikon?)
20. Go to the SF Zoo. (I know. How crazy is it that I’ve never been?!)
21. Lose 10 lbs. Just 10. And then be happy staying there.
22. Get a spray tan. Way healthier than my go-to Fake ‘n’ Bake system…. Even though it means someone has to spray your almost naked body. (SO awkward, right?!)
23. Be able to answer, “Who do you think you are?”
24. Get a beach cruiser and bike to destinations, instead of driving. (Even if that ISN’T more efficient)
25. Learn to really forgive, without needing a conversation or an apology.
26. Watch the sun RISE over the ocean.
27. Visit Yosemite. (Nope, never been!)/Climb half dome…. Is it REALLY that hard? I mean, Boy Scouts do it.
28. Take a wine class.
29. Learn to play chess, and then play a stranger.
30. Own cool designer sunglasses that come with their very own case.
31. Eat at Chez Panisse. (Alice will have them whip up some Vegan eats, right?)
32. Organize a recipe box/book.
33. Publicly post a poem or piece I’ve written.
34. Learn to Salsa dance
35. Make a REAL bucket list

The improbable, but really desirable goals Pre-30 goals…
1. Climb Machu Pichu (I might have to settle for Mt. Whitney??)
2. Zip line in Costa Rica
3. Swim in the Atlantic
4. Go to all the ballparks in the NL West
5. Ride the roller coasters at Cedar Point

So. If you’ve “got a guy”, will “come with” or wanna throw some cash towards my endeavors, let me know!

“If you hold on to the handle, she said, it’s easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it’s more fun if you just let the wind carry you. “ –Brian Andres, Story People

My Perfect Excuse…

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This poor, abandoned blog is (yet another) victim of my “paralysis by analysis”.

And it’s a problem.

My need for everything to be PERFECT, for the BEST choices to be made, and for “mistakes” to become as foreign as Swahili, has translated in to combined hours (Hooooours) of pontification: “which shoe”, “which earrings”, “which shade of pink”… “an extra run, or a needed nap”, “live a little, or stay strong”, “buy it, or save”, “now or later”, “MBA or art school”…. and it continues.

And when these things arise, and I’m all tangled up in my, “I-just-don’t-know-what-to-do’s”, I kinda freeze. Shut down. Cry. (Rinse and repeat.)

You know the friend you were supposed to call back, but didn’t. And then let too much time pass, so now you can’t. Unless you think of some REALLY good excuse… or hold out for a catastrophic tragedy, by which you’ve been so devastated she CAN’T be mad (per Universal Laws of Friendship). That friendship soon becomes invisible; veiled in a thin sheet of guilt that’s easier to ignore than to confront.

This blog became like that friend. That thing I just “waited too long” to address. The next point of contact, I felt, needed to be some sort of Pulitzer worthy summation of life, religion, foreign policy AND world peace. And since I couldn’t make that happen I just… stayed still.

This same psychology has permeated to other facets of my life…

After my job was swept away in the undertow of this horrible economy, I fell into a sort of melancholy slump. Realizing that somewhere along the way I began to identify myself by my job, assess my value by my corporate role, and determine my worth by my potential earnings, only pushed me to greater depths of disappointment and stagnation.

I worked fervently to find another job and thus renew my status in the world, but when that didn’t happen I found myself asking: “What’s my excuse for me?” And I soon began to echo childhood dad-isms “Who do you think you are? You don’t count. You’re nothing.” The strength of my heart, my joy, my idealism had all been reduced to quiet whimpers reminiscent of a pre-college me.

All of this has mixed together to create some sort of emotional concrete. I have been so stuck in recounting the missteps of my race and flipping back through the pages of my “Choose Your Own Adventure” to see where my story would be if I had just picked another way. And while I already know how excruciatingly unproductive these exercises can be, I just couldn’t pull myself out of the mire. I’ve spend so many lonely days, just trying to rally.

And now I find myself at another crossroads.

Because I get it.

I see what has happened and understand that I’ve wasted months of my life in this dark little place, desperately hoping for a lifeline out.

And as I struggle with needing to be authentic, but wanting so badly to be perfect, I have a choice: I can re-enter the world on my own, without a job, or a house, or a family, or a nice car, or an “excuse” …or any of the those things I’ve always thought would make me “count”. I can live feeling a bit less worthy and uncomfortably flawed OR I can stay in my familiar cocoon of sadness until I’m ready to debut unrivaled wings. The problem is that, I know me. I will continue to scrutinize and analyze and find more things that aren’t perfect yet… and I’ll never get out.

So, THIS imperfect entry is my jumping off point… whether it goes unnoticed or is silently critiqued, at least I know I got unstuck.

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Still searching for the perfect pink.