Not a Traveler…

(It’s now been 3, but here are some thoughts from my first week in Guatemala… also check out www.DIWYY.com for upcoming posts on my Guatemalan adventures!)

I’m tired.

I mean like, I arrived exhausted. Because Spirit Airlines freaking SUUUUCKS. (Cheap flight yes, but a totally miserable experience.) And our legroom was frightfully reminiscent of those anti-meat protest photos with pictures of chickens all squished together.

Sleep had since remained elusive. Lots of dust, new allergens, constant firecrackers (continually mistaken as gunfire), pillows that are aggressively uncomfortable (the pillow issue here is epidemic)… and moths. I have a very deep-seated and totally irrational (but nonetheless powerful) fear of moths.

Also of note: I’m VERY concerned about developing cankles. And no. I’m not even kidding. Wearing stupid little flat sandals on this derelict cobblestone is making the front and sides of my ankles and lower calves excessively achy and I’m quite fearful this is because muscles are being built in new, unflattering places… perhaps with the eventual result of cankles???? Also. There seems to be a national obsession with salt. Which is not helping. And I mean. How would one remedy cankles? Like, let my legs atrophy from the knee down? How long would that even take? Really. Very. Concerned.

And while I’m being a crazy chick, let me just say… There are no mirrors here. The lack of full-length mirror accountability, in particular, is no bueno. I forget to be self-conscience. It’s a problem. I’ll hop on Skype and think- “WOAH! Umm… how about some mascara, Chica!”And I know my jeans are fitting a little bit more snug- I blame comfort eating. It’s the only familiar thing I can do! (And. I found an AMAZING falafel place. They also serve freaking sweet potatoes fries. Again. NOT HELPFUL. After next week. I swear: NO MAS!)

I have a gnarly bruise on arm from carrying my bags. And ADM (that’s my new Spanish version of OMG. “Ay Dios Mio”), you should have seen me as I arrived. Complete disaster. (WAY worse than Japan.) One carry-on bag in hand, a soft guitar case slung across my chest (a poser for now, but I’m committed to learning), and a giant Gregory “I hiked Whitney on my way to LAX before heading to Europe for the summer” back pack, peaking over the top of my head… cautiously looking around me at the Guatemala airport with an newly instilled, unfortunate, and more or less unfounded paranoia brought on by a battery of concerns from fearful loved ones who went Guatemala Google crazy.

The feeling of loss still lingers as I think about a couple special goodbyes that twisted my heart in a teary mess. I cried a bit on the plane as I left behind some roads I’m very much still hoping to explore, and of course, some friends I’m very much going to miss. But I’ve only cried twice since arriving. And for those who know me well, that’s impressive. Usually, it doesn’t take much more than a solid Folgers commercial to incite tears. But I think I’ve just been so totally overwhelmed- the places, the people, the air I’m breathing, these new sights I’m ingesting…. Awe, confusion, and intrigue have moved in to even the most remote places in my heart, crowding out the option for crying.

And let me just reiterate: I AM NOT a traveler.

I thrive in comfort. I love familiarity. Cozy, comfy, and safe are the fastest ways to my heart. These things pair with “traveling” about as well as chocolate with Chardonnay.

So I’m giving myself some time to adjust. I recognize that for now, most of my struggles are shallow. I’m confident that this adventure will present some legit opportunities for growth…. aaaaand comedy. But for now a little grace period of superficial, comfort-inducing expenditures is in order… just until I feel cozy and safe.

Just learning.

Don’t ask me to read James.

Don’t cite Lewis or Tolkien.

Don’t tell me to meditate on Proverbs 31.

Because I’ve heard it. I know it. Hell. I’ve got it memorized. And for now, it rings hollow.

Almost 2 years ago I sat with a friend outside of our office building- while we talked over cups of green tea. I so specifically remember him saying, “It’s not too often in life that we experience real pain. If you can just find a way to let yourself feel it. To experience it… that’s really living, you know?”

So here I am. The messy me. Learning how to be broken. Again. Trying to let myself feel the disruptive pain of splintered plans and loss and disappointment.

Because that is life in bold.

Brokenness seems to punctuate the illustration of our lives with these unassailable strokes of obtrusive colors. Brazen streaks of painful contrast. Hues that vibrate against a canvas painted mostly in harmonious shades of safe. And from my current vantage point- it’s an ugly addition.

So I’m learning how to be broken- in an almost functional way. To be one of those walking wounded, questioning my desire to heal.

I’m learning to dig a little deeper. To find purpose in the face of rejection and reason in stomach-turning desperation.

I am not taking joy. I am not “planting flags of truth” …I am just learning. And I’m not a great student.

I attempt to forgive the morning for arriving too soon… But condemn it’s arrogance in parallel. I curse the sun for rising before I wanted to see myself in it’s light and blame the day for bringing with it a whole new race to run… Because I’m exhausted. And I don’t at all feel like building perseverance.

So I’m learning how to be broken in these times when “getting better” feels more like giving up . Because sometimes Hope looks like a thief. And the mire feels more secure than being lost. When clinging to the past means keeping a piece of what’s missing, moving on is a perplexing notion.

I’m learning how to be the artist of my life within a new aesthetic of surrender.

But in the mean time, please tuck away those cliches. Keep the ancient wisdom in your pocket. And silence all those promises of healing Time.

At least for a little bit longer.